I Surrender All

This first paragraph has pretty much nothing to do with what the blog will actually be about, I just felt like throwing it in.  My family just got back from a trip to New England, we drove.  It was approximately 19 hours, and my parents and I all took turns driving and being shotgun (my brother was in the rotation for shotgun), and driving out there my shift was like 11pm-about 2.  I was not much for talking that particular night, so as I drove through Ohio I thought about the equalizing power of sin and grace.  When left to my own sin, before the Judgment Seat of Christ, I am as horrendously evil as the man who kills himself in order to kill others.  In light of the cross, that man is just as capable of receiving pardon from the Lord for his sins as me.  No racial differences.  No favoritism in light of social status.  No preferences for love of gender or age.  Just grace.  It's amazing.

I love God's view of marriage.  I really do.  It's beautiful, and though 3 months ago I would have died to hear myself say this, I wish for it.  I wish for the marriage God paints in the Bible, and pray often that my marriage would turn out to be like this.  It would be utmost bliss.

And now God is asking me to surrender it for a time.  After showing me what it can be, letting me hope, He is asking me to remain as I am for the time being.  I could hardly believe it, it still seems a bit unreal, and yet I know for sure that this is what needs to happen, regardless of the fact that a certain person is trying very desperately over IM to convince me otherwise.   (...no, I'm not joking; I've never seen anyone try and convince me so hard without actually admitting romantic affections...)  In some aspects of my life I am not very mature, and it's time to become an adult.  There is so much I need to learn, and become, before I tie myself to a man.   There are men God has brought in my life, and I praise Him for them, and at this time He has made it clear that I am to respect them as men, love them as brothers, and build them up as sons of God.  That's it.  Romance will come later, right now this is plenty to keep me busy.

I wrote this in my journal in early July, and I think it aptly describes the situation, so here you are: "There is so much I have yet to learn, I am so much a child and have to become a woman in so many aspects before I shall be prepared for a man...he deserves a glorious maiden of the Lord, and I am not ready to be such a maiden yet.  Despite what Derek, David, Kyle, Sean, Deborah, Lori, Megan, and Erika say, I am not ready to be a glorious maiden before the Lord.  I am not content with life, and cannot let it rest or merely run its course.  I am restless, and cause uproars in seeking answers to my questions.  I won't let people pretend, for reality is far too lost to let others exist in a fantasy world rather than working to redeem what we can and whom we can.  I love and take delight in doing radical things knowing I have no one like a boyfriend or husband to worry about me, therefore I am accountable to no one in that regard.  I am a dangerous princess, if a princess I must be, a man would do well to cut off any romantic interest in me, and if he cannot do this, let him postpone his affections until I am a glorious maiden before the Lord who is gentle and generous, loving to all.  If he cannot even do this, then God help the poor chap, for his heart is tied to a wild mare, who kicks at and flees from human touch and laughs at calls to come and live a lovely civilized life."

That is me, my lads and loves.  That is who Amanda Katherine Pierce is right now.  I like this type of life.  I will enjoy it immensely while I have it, and will love having someone to wrap their arms around me, and say to others, "This is Amanda, my wife," when the time comes.  Neither are bad, it's all in the timing.  Marriage will not be bliss if it is with the wrong person or if it's at the wrong time, I am convinced.  So I surrender all, trusting God to keep it from me if it is not the best and to give it back to me at the proper time if it is.  To Him be all glory and honor.

Salat wa salam.

Woman

"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.'  Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.  He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.  So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.  But for Adam no suitable helper was found.  So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.  Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.  The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man.'  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."              ~Genesis 2:18-24

Think you that perhaps Adam was displeased with his wife when God brought her to him?  Think you that he waited so long for a partner, one of his own kind, only to be disappointed?  Do you think that when Genesis says that all the creatures had been formed from the ground, and man also was formed from the ground, that it is a small matter that it also states that woman was not formed from the ground, but from Adam's rib?  Do you think that none of this matters, and that women are nothing more than the dust of the earth, property to be walked upon and used however desired?  I didn't think so.

Then how did I allow myself to think so?  What happened?

I find it rather shocking to see, now that I am truly allowing myself to see such things, how few men regard women as precious, and how few women will take comfort in the fact that God made them beautiful, and so much more than the servants of men.  It is a bit unnerving.  Though I have been at the mercy of some who did not consider these things much in light of their "needs", which were nothing more than desires born of sinful nature, whether it be wrath or lust, or anything else, I did weaken and allow myself to think this.  It was less painful that way.  But now is the time to change.  I cannot hold to this when the prince comes, for the King has promised me a prince is coming, and my prince will already have his hands full upon dealing with me.  He has much to untrain, and he does not need this extra bit, which is probably why God is dealing with it now.  My poor prince, I have great grief for you!!  You must persevere through much to reach me!!  My Lord the King is breaking me of many things, and it will take much time to become a princess worthy of you.  Please leave me not alone in your prayers, for I eagerly desire to bless you greatly, and I am beginning to look forward to being married to you.  Continue beseeching the King on my behalf, and I will do the same on yours.  May I be a gift in which you will rejoice.

Currently Listening Jonah33 By Jonah33 see related

Convicted

I was in a meeting with my missions pastor yesterday.  Nothing hugely dramatic, we just meet occasionally to update each other on what's going on in the mission field, how I'm doing in prepping for the mission field, different organizations, etc.  One of the things I wanted to talk to him about though was an opportunity to be an intern with this one organization at one of their bases in the Middle East, how that was going to work out time-wise with my finishing up the last year of Bible school, etc.  He gave me some suggestions, asked some questions, we talked for a bit about the pros and cons and things like that, and then he began speaking about living and focusing on the present while also preparing for the future, so that you're not constantly looking to the next step and missing everything in the current step.  After he said all this, he said, "Do you have any questions about that?"  I had one that I was trying to figure out how to phrase, I don't even remember what it was now, but I answered that one by myself and thought of another one.  This one I had asked a few people, and they didn't know how to answer me but just to say, "Oh, you'll grow out of it.  You'll understand someday, just wait until then."  It sort of was connected to what we were talking about, and when I thought about it, who better to ask than this man, the one who stressed it so much and thought it so important?  I had to find this answer, the ones I had been getting didn't settle my spirit, and I knew that I would remain restless until I found what I was looking for.

"Pastor Case, this is kind of on that subject, but is a fairly big jump from it also, but it's been on my mind for the past month or so and I really want to know -- with everything in the present and everything in the future to figure out and focus on, and especially in my case with finishing up Bible school and prepping for an internship overseas once I raise finances after I graduate, where does marriage come into that?  I mean, I've been thinking about it for a while, and God told me that I'm going to get married a few years ago, but it honestly doesn't make sense to me.  Most of the marriages I see, by the time mid-life crisis hits, they either get divorced or are miserable.  Why put up with that in the midst of ministry?  Why can't I just do this without a husband?  What's the deal with marriage and ministry?  It just doesn't make sense to me!!"

Opposite what I thought, Pastor Case did not seem surprised, or offended, or as if I had said something wrong.  He nodded, and I asked him, "Does this even make any sense?"  "Oh yeah, it makes perfect sense," he said.  "You have every right to wonder about such things, and I really admire and appreciate your honesty asking such a question.  Generally the same rule applies -- focusing on the present and doing what God has called you to do now while preparing for the future, and God will bring everything together.  You don't have to worry about making the future happen, that's God's department, you just prepare yourself as best as you can for the future God has called you to so that when it comes, you can hit the ground running.  Same thing with preparing for a husband.  You don't have to worry about what he's going to be like or how you're going to get along or whatever, you just prepare yourself to be a wife and how to be a blessing to your husband -- learn how to manage finances, manage time, care for others, whatever God leads you to prepare yourself for -- and God will fit the pieces together.  Here's an illustration I heard and I think you'll like it: God told us to run the race for Him, so we're running.  And as you're running, you happen to look over to the people running beside you, and you say to yourself -- in your case-- 'Hey, there's a nice guy who's running the same pace as me.'  And at that time you could be running in completely different lanes, but you know what?  If that's who God has for you, he's gonna bring him over all those lanes to run right next to you, and through all the difficulties in ministry and life in general you will help each other persevere.  Amanda, the man God has for you is going to reflect Him, he's going to reflect love like it's laid out inf 1 Corinthians 13.  Your husband will always protect you, he will always be worthy of your trust, because you can trust him he will always give you hope, and you will persevere together."

Woah.

So I started doing some things -- nothing huge, just minor adjustments in my daily life, keeping better track of my finances (which is easier now that I have a steady income for the summer  ), more accurately tracking how I spend my time (which I was doing anyway), I'm going to attempt my hand at cooking (I know how to make pita bread and a few other things, that's it), which may or may not be a good thing, becoming more self-disciplined (as if I needed more) and faithful in doing things I said I would or that I really need to get done.  It's interesting, like suddenly God told me it was time to grow up, not to lose childlikeness but to take on the duties of a woman in addition, essentially saying, "Beloved, your prince is coming, I must train you in the ways of a queen so that you are ready when he asks Me for you.  Don't be worried, my love, just wait and prepare."

Alrighty, if You say so.

To Be Afraid of Fear...

I am a fearful person.  God has taught me this very much over the past semester.  I am afraid of life, of love, of being hurt, of being noticed, of being abused, of losing people, of...being afraid??  It's insane!!!  What's up with that?!?!?!?!?!

I was talking to David Wolfson on the phone almost a week ago, basically just ranting cause I was really frustrated with some things and afraid for a lot of things and he told me to call him when I was mad or scared and vent rather than just sit and be quiet and get all depressed, so I wouldn't turn into this quiet little person like I was at the very beginning of the semester (woah that was a really long sentence).  After I had finished ranting, he was talking to me about it, and he said, "Yeah, I definitely need to send you the Christmas card I got for you."  He wouldn't tell me anything else.  David gave me the Christmas card today (of course it's a week late lol), and oh man, I couldn't breathe as I read his words.

"For someone who has often spoken of fear I have seen a bravery greater than most men I have ever met."

He wrote other things too, of course, but those words were the first.  I couldn't believe it.  Me?  He speaks of me this way?  Why?  What have I done?  Just because I survive panic attacks?  Or stomach pains?  Or nightmares?  Or my dad's harsh words?  Just because of the thing he said he would remember most about me if I died, that I sing in those times when I hurt?  That I praise God when I would rather die than bear another day?

"Bravery is not the absence of fear, but rather it is the overcoming of it."

My dad used to say that.  I suppose it's true.  How else would you describe it?  I am afraid of everything imaginable, yet if David is correct, and all those who have told me likewise are also right, I am brave as well.  How amazing is God to have made me brave!!  Indeed He is mighty to save.  Of what have I to be afraid?

Salat wa salaam.

Brother-Protector

God my Strength.  God my Comfort.  God my Peace.  God my Fortress.  God my Brother?

God my Protector???

Apparently.

I have a very dear friend at college.  He is my brother-protector.  He could give Nehemiah gents a run for their money, no joke.  His name is Derek, he's an MK from Paraguay, really into martial arts, unbelieveably chivalrous.  We end up spending quite a bit of time together, and we've pretty much adopted each other as brother and sister.   He is two years younger than me but a good deal taller and stronger and better at pretty much everything.  He is crazy sarcastic sometimes, and a goofball, and very gentle and sweet.  He is a proper man, and his future wife will be a happy woman.  Derek is protective of the women he is close to, he feels responsible for their well-being, and because of our close friendship, I am one of those protected ones.  He treasures his sisters -- he will not even let insults go unchallenged.

I was telling a story one time, of a man who once said that the shirt I happened to be wearing at the time looked really stupid.  Derek came in halfway through the story, so he didn't hear who it was that I was talking about, but as soon as I said what the comment was, he looked at me and said, "Who's the idiot who told you this???"  And on Monday, I was joking around with a couple friends at lunch, and one of them called me a "bad name" in Spanish.  Most people don't realize that the word is much more vulgar in Spanish than we make it out to be here in America, and because Derek and I had talked about it earlier this semester I knew what it meant, and told my friend, "Just wait till Derek hears what you called me, he will kill you."  After lunch I found him and told him to go beat up my friend, and told him why.  As soon as I told him what he called me, Derek's face changed from a joking smirk to a deadset anger that I've never seen him have, and never would have thought anyone would be this way on my behalf.  "Now I really am going to kill him," he said, and he told him off, let me tell you!!!  I was shocked and surprised at the entire scenario, never in my dreams had I pictured anything like this!!  Later that day we were talking about it, and he shook his head and looked at me and said, "He is so lucky that he didn't know what that word meant, because I was seriously ready to kill him.  I have a lot of restraint, but it was paper thin when I heard what he'd called you."  One time we were learning the Greek words for love in the Bible, and after class Derek and I were talking about them, and I said, "You know, D, I phileo you."  He looked at me and said, "I phileo you too, very, very much."  I have no doubt of it, and I'm sure that's why God is that way too.  It's a picture of Him I never really developed, that He would want to protect me in little things like this.  God my Brother-Protector?  God my Gentleman?  Why not?  If He gave it to Derek Steel, and David Wolfson, and the Nehemiah guys, how much more must He have it?

An interesting God we serve, yes?  Chivalrous, protective, brotherly...